Deja Vu: How a Lapse in Judgement Broke Me Open to Healing

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If you don’t learn the first time, you can count on the universe to throw the lesson back in your face. I learned the hard way that when it comes to betrayal, lightening can and does strike twice. Was the risk of loving again worth it? Here’s my story.

Deja Vu

It was a Tuesday afternoon when my car pulled into the corner of Dancy and King Street. My mom wasn’t home, and Ann was there to catch me as the tears rolled down my face.

“Didn’t we do this three years ago?” I said.

“Oh please, it’s not that serious this time,” She wrapped her arms around me and ushered me inside.

Three years before that on a Tuesday was the day my marriage blew up. There are the types of marriages that end due to a run-of-the-mill affair or irreconcilable differences, and then there are the types of marriages that end like mine did.

“Prepare the guest bedroom, mom. I’m coming home,” I said to my mom the night I found out three years ago. Within an hour I was in the car with my babies, and within 24 hours I was driving down I-95 back home to Florida.

The day Ann caught me in her arms in my mother’s driveway three years ago, I was a puddle of devastation. An hour earlier I was blasting Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” as I crossed the state line. There in the driveway of my mother’s home, with my boys sleeping in the backseat, I gave myself permission to fall apart.

Two years after I landed in my  mother’s driveway, feeling re-entered my body on a whole new level. I met a man who swept me off my feet hard and fast. Within a week he asked me to be exclusive, by week six he was “in love” with me, and by month three he proposed a two-year blueprint that involved us moving in together with our children.

I still remember the ride home from a campout with a male friend two weeks into the ordeal.

“It’s been two weeks and you’re already calling him your boyfriend?” He seemed confused and almost disgusted.

Looking back I admit, it did feel a bit like Princess Anna gushing to Kristoff about the prince she met and got engaged to all in one day. But I was alive and happy, and hell—I could feel!

“Are you ready?” my friend asked. About a month earlier I had told this same friend that I didn’t feel capable of a healthy relationship, that I still had work to do.

“Yes,” I said with conviction.

But apart from the romance, there was a flip side to this new relationship. By week eight the anxiety set in. By month three he started traveling for work. By month six I exhausted myself with trying to find concrete proof that something was off. That’s when I asked the universe to show me if there was something I needed to see about this man. And so began a series of what I believe were increasingly intense nudges from the universe.

Logically, I couldn’t fathom why anyone would choose to mess with me given my past and the amount of patience it must take to love me through the healing process. So I assumed the uneasiness had something to do with me and marched myself off to therapy and support groups. I had trust issues and trauma to clear in my mind as I practiced tuning in to my heart and getting curious about the mounting signs. Then one morning just over a year in, I was ready. I realized I wasn’t the problem, and I called it quits.

This time around I chose Kelly Clarkson’s “Don’t Be a Girl About It” as my theme song. It was the hardest thing I’ve done in a long while. I decided to act on my intuition with no concrete evidence to back it up.

There were moments over the next week that I second-guessed myself and my actions. I don’t think I would have changed my mind, but after a week had passed, the universe decided to be extra generous and gave me the concrete information I had been seeking all along.

The morning I found out that my intuition was right, I went through the necessary steps of the day. Then I picked up the phone just as before.

“Mom, I’m coming home tonight,” I said. “I was right all along.”

I didn’t regret anything except for the way it ended. I didn’t need or want to know the specifics anymore than I want to deep dive back into the details of my failed marriage. I had to experience it to see my Self. It was my fast-track path to an up-close-and-personal look at all my unhealthy parts, and it showed me my astounding ability to perceive truth in the absence of concrete information.

Moving forward, I was no longer a trauma survivor with trust issues. I was awake and strong in the core of who I am, confident in my ability to discern and perceive danger, authenticity, and truth. I realized I’m the only one who can give me the safety and love that I crave, and for the first time, I felt capable of that.

I’m back, and I know which way is up.

Comments

  1. Stephanie

    December 5, 2017

    I had an interesting experience this week that relates to this.. but is also very different.. My youngest and I were invited to spend a few days with a friend who is taking off a couple of weeks at a resort with a pool.. .and the weather to enjoy it. It sounded perfect.. still does, honestly.. and we both really wanted to go. I figured out all the logistics and what wouldn’t get done at home and decided I could live with that and I would take some things with me to work on. I didn’t have peace about it though.. I felt all edge-y about it and I couldn’t figure out why.. I prayed and talked to friends.. All of whom said they thought it would be a great break. I prayed more and still had no peace… and no real reason why I had no peace. So, I called my friend and told her that we really wanted to come, were very grateful for her generous offer, but that I just didn’t have peace about it.. I was totally unsettled.. Thankfully, she understood.

    I still have no idea why.. and I talked with another friend (who thought it was a great opportunity).. who reminded me I didn’t have to know why.. I just needed to trust my gut.. and be obedient to what I believed God was saying to me.

    I’m calling it a victory… Hearing God and trusting myself to walk in what I heard. Thanks for sharing this.. it helped me to put words to my experience and bring some clarity.

    • melissa

      December 5, 2017

      It’s really powerful when you learn to tune in, isn’t it? I wonder if you’ll see the reason in the coming days or months. A friend of mine recently suggested that’s the point of spiritual practice and community–to learn to hear that still small voice.

      • Stephanie

        December 5, 2017

        Yes.. It’s like a restoration of sorts. After so many years of mess.. and blowing off the concerns I had, but couldn’t ‘label’, I began to wonder if I could hear that small still voice again.. I’m very thankful for it.. and never want to risk losing it.. <3

  2. Cindy

    January 4, 2018

    Good article … but usually something is not completely layout the way it seems. I am sorry you had to go through this and I can tell you are a strong woman. You went to a campout w/ a male friend who is not your boyfriend, and a disgusted expression is pretty strong coming from a friend. My experience telling me, whomever this male friend of yours must have deeper feeling more than just a friend toward you (jealousy), or you are just throwing the word because you are angry at your Ex. Why would you sabotaged and exhausted yourself to find something that is not there? You said it yourself why would anyone choose to mess with you given your past and amount of patience to love you. Sounds like this is an ongoing pattern. You ended and called it quits. However, this goes back to the point where you said why would anyone choose to mess with you given your past and how they had to work hard to love you. You will find a new partner in the future, but I think you will find yourself in the same predicament. I am sure there is more to know. But, I am seeing a pattern, either you look for something that’s not there or you jump from one relationship to another without the willingness to work things out w/ your partner or give yourself time to learn. Having an intuition is good, but you know what’s better? Work things out with your partner before calling it quit. You may think you are not the problem, however, can your partner say the same? It’s easy to run away from problem, but it will follow you to your next relationship. I don’t know what happened between you and your ex, but if he was able to swept you off your feet hard and fast, that means he did something that no others have done to you in a long time. There is always 2 sides of a story, one think it’s the others fault, and the others felt the same. My feedback to you, look back to your relationship with this ex of yours, and think, were you open book to your partner? Did you withhold anything from your ex? It’s easy to think you did not, but if you look back and think hard there is always something and whatever it is, make sure you put the same standard for both your and your partner. Because ex always knows more than you think. What I am trying to say is, whatever it is that you put your partner accountable, make sure you do the same. I broke up with my ex because he was dishonest about things. 6 months later, we met, we talked and came to find out he knew things that I was being dishonest. I didn’t realize I was being dishonest, but unconsciously I did it because I didn’t want to hurt his feeling (white lies). I ended a relationship w/ him b/c I thought I saw red flags, signs, etc, and came to find out, I focused too much trying to find what went wrong with my partner, not realizing I at some point, did the same. Honesty is a tricky thing. No one is perfect. So if your ex swept you off your feet, he did something right. You wrote, He wants to be exclusive by week 1, He was in love with you by week 6. He gave you a 2 year blue print that involved moving in together. This sounds like a man who is in love and building a foundation. I would imagine you agreed to all these, and it made sense why he swept you off your feet. Whomever your next partner, I hope you make the right choice and not settled b/c of loneliness. Otherwise, you will be right back to square one again.

    • melissa

      January 5, 2018

      Thanks for your thoughtful response, Cindy. Examining my own patterns is absolutely a part of my healing process, and I’ve written about it at length in other posts. This whole site is pretty much making public my healing process that started the day I left my marriage. It’s certainly not perfect, but I hope it encourages others to dive into and share their own healing and growth. I very much want to share the main reason why I won’t ever consider repairing things with my most recent ex, but I feel that would be unnecessarily damaging and unfair to him. It would be more for justifying myself to others, which isn’t necessary. My growth game is strong, and I will never settle.

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Any information revealed on www.womanspeak.org about people whose lives have intersected with my own is shared in the spirit of helping myself and others to connect and heal. I recognize that their memories of the events described on this site are different than my own. This site is not intended to hurt anyone. I regret any unintentional harm resulting from the publishing of my stories and others on www.womanspeak.org.
 
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